He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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