got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
