You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
