He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
