Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
