Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
