I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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