Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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