Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We left the knife in your bed.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
