she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize