im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
