Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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