dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Bring me that man meat
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
