Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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