you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize