i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
