I'm going to jail i love you
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
