I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
this will be a night to untag.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize