Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
