when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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