ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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