i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Even my vagina gasped.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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