First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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