WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
two words...techno handjob
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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