can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
