cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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