I'm going to jail i love you
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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