return my video game
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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