great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
