DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
