Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
