if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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