Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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