Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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