whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
