Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
