Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize