I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
