now i know why i became what i already was.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
