i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
