I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
