What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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