Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize