The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
