After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
