im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
