I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
