I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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