youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize