remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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