I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize