I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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