Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
