remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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