just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm passing your future prison.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
vagina is talking i cant
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
