Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
