Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
