I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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