Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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