my phone needs a breathalizer
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you traded sex for a burrito?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I will pee on everything he values.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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