So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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