The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
