you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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