i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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