Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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